Family Jewels

Hello.  My name is Richard Jewl.  Once upon a time, I saved many people from a terrorist attack and it ended with MY family jewels - get the pun? - being cut off.  How dare that damn Barbara Strise-and let herself go like that?  Sometimes my little brother braids his hairin corn rows and eats cereal baked with rice.  In todays day and age, he would probably be best suited for an old woman who works at a convenient store down by the trailer park.  Its ok when we all get along due to incestual disagreements.  But when you think about it, who is Anne Frank?  And I mean really.

Little Coat

Come on and dance for a while.  If you knew who I was, you would allow me to go fishing and eat raw dog farts.  It is not that bad to be a nun and reek havoc at a convent.  Its ok to be controversial toward your thirteen year old daughter who eats glass and tickles herself to get to sleep. Some people think she likes me and wants a homosexual relationship with me, but in all reality, Danny Devito just wants to get a make over from Queen Latifa.  Once when I was four, my mom tried to strangle me.  I called the cops and they were all black. So I rejected their help.  My mom ate our dog and I never saw her again.  We live in a world full of butterscotch and fat kids who never learn how to spell 'Meeteen.'  I have a dream sicle.  You have an ice cream sandwich.  Whats the difference?  Its all just ice cream, and Tommy Boy taught me the best lesson ever........Fat guy in a little coat. On my honour as a darlington student, I pledge that I have neither popped your dads zits nor received a back rub from the arab next door.  

Love, Jesus.

Paris Hilton is a Slut

When I was you, I knew forever I would be two, years of age on this beautiful island known as, Blow-the-Chunk.  I used to know why birds chirped and bees did not fart, but now I only know that an ants butt lets an atom of poop through.  What if we were good enough to strip for Paris Hilton?  If I were fifty eight and still teaching at the JCC, I would probably be dating one of the three year olds in the disabled section.

Why Does He Disapprove?

Ten times a day, I get the chance to make out with my grandfather.  I would accept the challenge but I feel like Dr. Laborde would disapprove.  If only time would fly so somewhere, out there, past our own world, Hugh Grant could send me a text and let me know how the surgery went.

What's Up With The Kid?

Sometimes it gets tough to be a thirty two year old fat ass who works at Hardees six days a week.  But you know, it is worth the trouble when you get to go home to a retarded child who does not know the difference between black people and terrorists.